A.k.a. long-term investment in thriving in the weird and wonderful military life
In January I wrote my last post. I honestly do not know where 2021 went. Does anyone?
The year seems to have gone in one collective blink of our eyes. Just like that.
I wish this would be a post saying how 2021 was more of a ''normal'' life, with less separation and trials for us. But that would be a lie. And let's face it, in this strange covid-filled world, will there ever be such a thing as a ''normal life'' again? Speaking of covid, the many separations Man and I had throughout the year, were extended in length due to mandatory hotel quarantines. Missions, exercises, training courses, tested once again our ability to function as a healthy, happy couple when apart. I have come to think of ''separation skills'' as a muscle. The more it is exercised, the stronger it grows. But just as you would enlist a personal trainer to learn how to exercise your physical muscles in a healthy, constructive way, sometimes for those mental muscles you need a little help as well... Man and I enlisted the help of a couples counsellor. Let's just be real and open about that for a second. I believe all couples - military couples in particular - could benefit from talking from a therapist at some point or another in the relationship. After all, we regularly service our car, rather than waiting until it no longer runs, right? And so it is with CC (couples counselling): ''servicing the relationship vehicle''. We started in December last year, and ''graduated'' about a month ago. That seems a long stretch for CC, but with Man regularly gone for many weeks on end, we had our sessions for periods of time on and off. We were lucky to find a therapist so flexible and accomodating to a demanding military schedule!
Our sessions were absolutely invaluable, and have brought us to a place where we are stronger, happier and healthier than ever. It has taught us essential communication skills, and perhaps most importantly: taught us to walk a mile in the other person's shoes. Thanks to CC we better understand the differences in what we need, and how we communicate. How to marry Man's introversion with my extraversion or his preference for logic with my more emotional communication style. We worked on past resentments, on handy tips and tricks and practical actions, and ways to keep integrating these into daily life going forwards - when together and apart. One of the coolest tricks we learned is to ask each other at the end of the day: what % are you at? This gives a great indication of how much the other person has left in the tank, and what we might be able to do to fill it up. The idea is for our percentages together to be at 100% total, to have a well-functioning relationship. On some days, when both are well under 50%, that might just mean take-away and Netflix! It also teaches me that when Man is at 20% for example, it might not be the best moment to start a long rant about annoying issues at work. When I am at a low %, he knows to make me a cuppa, and take over dinner duties. Another wonderful little trick is a quick check-in: ''how do you feel, what do you need?". But those tools are just the tip of the iceberg. Our appreciation for one another, and our mutual patience, love and respect have grown even more.
So, why am I sharing this with you? To say a big F*CK you to the taboo that sometimes still surrounds CC! And as encouragement. If you are one half of a military couple, particularly if you go through lots of separation (even if it is not the 70% of the relationship apart that Man and I deal with), consider it. You most likely won't regret it. After all, it is bloody hard to constantly say goodbye, be apart and then try to reintegrate again - over and over. One final tip: sometimes it takes a bit of shopping around to find the right therapist fit. Don't be afraid to call it a day after your first session, if there wasn't a good match. Plenty of other therapist fish in the sea!
You might be wondering where we are up to at the moment... Well, Man has just moved to a different state for a training course for no less than eight months! Covid restrictions make it impossible to visit each other at the moment, but thank God for Skype and phone calls. And at least we are in the same timezone, which always helps greatly. Before Man moved, the Air Force told us he would be at home for quite a few months, in a normal working routine. That sounded like heaven! Oh how naive a Mipa I still am, taking their word for it. I should know better by now - the military loves changing things around, particularly last-minute. So not long before his big move, they sent him off again... First to Darwin for two weeks, and then Alaska for six weeks at short notice, with only a month at home before going interstate. Man had the time of his life, seeing moose and mountain biking around mountain lakes in his spare time. And I was excited for him, as these exercises are the cherry on the military life pie. But during our latest goodbye, both of us did sigh: ''how we long for a normal, 9-to-5 life, just for a year or so. Do normal things, like normal families.'' Suddenly few things seem as blissful as being able to go for a coffee together on a Saturday morning or take the dog around the block at night. One day, perhaps?
Ah well - the bittersweetness of it all. With a partner as wonderful as Man, I wouldn't trade this life for anything in the world.
Until next time! Love to you out there, and don't forget to service your car ;)
xxx Mipa