A.k.a. How to make this long distance thing work well
After a wonderful weekend together it is time to say goodbye – again. These goodbyes are getting old… 8 months down, 4,5 to go. It seems like the goodbyes are actually getting harder, possibly because I am simply so over it. This weekend, for a blissful 48 hours, it was as if nothing else existed. One of the benefits of doing long-distance is that those rare, precious weekends spent together feel like proper mini holidays – a break from the military and daily life. This weekend it was just me, him, and a shit ton of delicious drinks at the wine heaven called Barossa Valley.
But now I am sobbing my way to the airport in an Uber. The poor driver has no clue what to do with me and has decided the best option is to ignore me completely and turn the radio louder. Bless his socks. I get a text from Man who just waved me off: ”turn around, there is a box of tissues behind your head”. It puts a small smile on my face.
When I arrive at the airport and my tears are slowly drying up I text Man: how the hell am I going to make it through the next months? He answers: ”the same way you made it through the past eight baby – by being a total badass” (technically he said ”bad arse”, because apparently ”ass” means donkey in Australia – but I can work with being a cool donkey).
Right. Back to being a badass/arse. I decide to spend my time on the plane making a list of my coping mechanisms, to remind myself of how I got through the past eight months indeed because it is easy to forget that long-distance is often rather doable, when you are in the midst of a hard goodbye.
These coping strategies are not just for Mipa’s, but for everyone doing long-distance, whether it’s a month, or a year, or longer. Please add yours in the comments, I would love to read what you do to keep sane when you’re away from your loved one! And for those of you who just got into a super fresh relationship and are still completely addicted to each other’s presence, some of this stuff even works for being a day apart 😉
My Coping Mechanisms:
1. Change your mindset – the glass really is half full!
This one sounds so simple, but it is often the easiest one to forget. To quote a rather famous wild haired genius: “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used to create them”. In other words: when feeling down or depressed about the situation, looking at all the things that are hard and sad about it is never going to make us feel better. So cliche but… there are always people in the world who have it worse. Listing the positive things about doing long distance always make me feel better. I can think about how it keeps the relationship fresh, how absence makes the heart grow fonder, how it cements our relationship and so much more.
2. Break it up – look forward to the next reunion only
Thinking about not living with Man for another four months yet makes it seem like a huge challenge. So instead, I simply focus on when I next see him. We are blessed to see each other for two days once every four to five weeks on average. So I count down to those moments. Literally. I create a countdown clock (plenty of apps for it too). And when it gets particularly tough I spend some time listing fun things for us to do when we see each other next, or plan a romantic date night. It’s pretty hard to be down when browsing fancy restaurants or hip cocktail bars, and drooling over the menus.
3. Write ”open when letters”
I love writing letters to Man, and receiving them. Good old fashioned written romance. When he first left for his year of training, I made him a care package: a big box with nice little gifts and a whole stack of ”open when letters”. These are great for feeling connected when you are doing long distance. Topics can include things like ”Open when you are happy”, or sad or lonely, or when you miss me. If you are not feeling creative, American military spouse blogger Jo has 102 ”Open when” topics on her website.
4.Spice it up on Skype 😉
Dearest family members, please skip this part and continue on to five on a ‘need-to-know-only-base’. It can be particularly tough nurturing the physical side of your relationship when apart. This is why God created video calling. Skype sex can seem daunting, or feel silly and awkward, but why not give it a try? Nothing to lose here. You don’t have to put on a whole show. It’s not like you are creating the next pornhub.com (or maybe you are. Good on you. You do you.). But simply stating which body parts of each other you are missing, or what you would like to do the other person if they were there, can be really sexy. Follow it up with some undressing and voila – I will leave the rest up to your imagination. (As you can guess this topic is completely avoided on all American military spouse blogs 😉 )
5. Hang out – Netflix and chill 2.0
Spend some time doing something fun together, like reading the same book or watching the same series on Netflix and then discussing it together. Or, if your internet connection allows it, go for a nice walk outside together or call each other from a nice spot in nature (e.g. at the beach, a park bench, in the woods, or wherever green and quiet). You can even prepare a nice little picnic and call each other from your picnic blanket. Share some snacks, a glass of wine maybe, a good conversation (bit more difficult in case of a deployment, but as the Mipa you can still take your deployed partner with you on a date, give them a visual change of scene 😉 – Just be careful not to discuss any military info when you are in public). Man and I have two dates a week if our schedules allow it. One is to discuss logistical stuff (household, bills, vehicles etc). The second one is a fun/romantic date. By keeping the logistics stuff separated and saving it up for that one talk, it changes the whole tone of our other conversations for the better.
6. Keep a gratitude / memory journal
I bought myself a pretty little book and write in it for just a minute or two daily in bed, before sleep. My book has a daily entry on one or more things I am grateful for and also something nice Man said, or a memory that pops up in my head. Writing it down truly helps to cultivate a positive mindset. And on a bad day, I can flick through that little book for an instant pick-me-up.
7. Distraction! Keep busy!
Hobby, movies, sports, friends, day drinking (counts as a hobby too – just not too often, nobody likes a drunk, and wailing snottery blabbering calls to your partner are not sexy. I may or may not speak from experience. Hey, nobody is perfect right?), playing with the dog, going for a walk, doing a chore, taking a 1 hour bath, take yourself on a date. Anything. Just keep busy. Like Immanuel Kant said: “The rules for happiness: something to hope for, someone to love, something to do”.
8. Feel your feelings
Buy a couple of cheap plates at Ikea or K-mart and smash them to pieces in the garden. Cry. Scream into a pillow. And then go back to coping mechanism #1: a positive mindset 😉
Indulge me: what are yours??