Fifty Shades of Sad

A.k.a. Why being a military partner is pretty damn hard sometimes

My dog Maxi has five emotions: excited, hungry, sleepy, stubborn and anxious. Six really, if you count being a massive sook, which she excels at. I wish my emotions were that uncomplicated. Instead I have to deal with Fifty Shades of Sad.

Different shades of sad pop up under different circumstances. At times it is a shade of sheer desperation, wondering how on earth I am going to survive the deployments. At other times a shade of angry sad where I wonder why this job of all jobs has to be his dream career. Couldn’t he just aspire to be a massage therapist, a chef or an erotic dancer even? (Completely randomly chosen examples without selfish motives of course.)

I also experience various shades of sadness after Man leaves from his short and rare visits home, being terribly sad on day one and then down to a much lighter shade of sadness by day three when I am back in my rhythm, doing my own thing. But even back into daily life and rhythm something can unexpectedly trigger a dark shade of sadness to come knocking. Other times I experience a shade of happy sad, like when I look at our pictures or go over some sweet text messages he sent. There are even many days where I experience only the lightest shade of sadness, hardly present, gently humming in the background. I call this shade ‘lovingly missing Man’.

These past few months have been an interesting journey through those different shades. At their worst the Fifty Shades of Sadness felt like a vortex that I got sucked into a little bit deeper everyday. The issue here, I finally learned, was control. When I tried to control my emotions, tried to get a hold of things, to keep strong, to pretend I was okay, everything just got that little bit more unmanageable. Blogging legend Mark Manson gives a great explanation for this in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck¹: “desiring a positive experience is in itself a negative experience and accepting a negative experience is a positive experience” (are you still with me?). He calls this “the backwards law”. He continues to explain how this “backwards law” can be applied to the principles of control, happiness and freedom. The more we try to control our emotions (like trying really hard to not get annoyed when Maxi won’t fetch), the worse they get and the less we will be able to direct them (e.g. failed fetching of dog resulting in tantrums of mine). On the other hand: the more we accept our feelings, the more we will be able to properly process them. Same goes for happiness: trying hard to be happy makes us less happy. If instead we let go of the struggle and accept unhappiness and unpleasant situations, we will feel happier as a result. And lastly, a constant chase for freedom will actually restrict us, whereas the choice to commit to what matters to us most means an opportunity to exercise our freedom.

If that sounds a bit vague to you, don’t worry, you’re not alone. I had to read the backwards law a few times before making sense of it too. So allow me to make Manson’s theory a little clearer by applying these principles to my life as a military partner. If we take a look at the idea of finding freedom in committing rather than running away, I realise that by committing to Man, and to military life, I am exercising my freedom of choice. I don’t have to stay. I don’t have to do this. I choose to. And that feels empowering. After all, what matters most to me in life is Man, Maxi (and her six emotions), family, friends, career, travel and life in Australia – more or less in that order. By committing to my life as it stands now, I can tick at least five of those boxes. Pretty sweet deal right?

I can also easily apply the idea of ‘becoming happier by accepting the bad times’. As a military partner there are sad, sadder and saddest times (and definitely some good stuff too, but we get to that in another, less whiny post – don’t rain on my Fifty Shades of Sadness parade here). But by allowing them to be, they become a much more positive experience. When I do not forcefully try to be happy, I paradoxically enough feel much lighter. When I honestly tell Man I am having a hard day, and that I miss him, our connection deepens and I feel better as a result. If I fake smile my way through our video calls and say I am okay because I have this false notion of needing to be ‘okay’ for him, communication breaks down (I can never fool him anyway). I have learned through this all that it is okay not to be okay, and not to confuse vulnerability with weakness.  I am strong because I dare to be vulnerable, to have good and bad days. It reminds me of a quote of the Wise Winnie the Pooh: “how lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”.

So, in short, what it all comes down to is Acceptance – a word that truly deserves that capital letter. Because by accepting the hard times, the anxieties and fears, and all of the shades of sadness, life gets a little bit easier every day… If you are in need of a good cry but require a little nudge to let it all go, just put on Fifty Shades of Grey – if you are anything like me that film will surely ignite fifty shades of sadness for you (including grief over how prudish Americans are). And until then, maybe print out this Winnie the Pooh picture and put it on your fridge – there is no arguing with the world’s wisest bear.

¹ I am not doing sponsored posts (yet) but I have linked the book anyway because I feel it is an absolute must-read for everyone. Though Mark, if you are reading this and your sales have gone up by all of my eight readers clicking on this link and buying your book, you should consider paying me (or at least guest blogging for me). Actually, make that seven. I’m not sure if my mom wants to buy a book with the word ‘fuck’ in the title.